Another One Bites the Dust



Time has come again for my retrospective of the past year; without blinking, twitching or shaking I can say that this was my best year yet. I entered its door without expecting much: all I was hoping for was to have some fun in Spain and to be able to improve my accent... in the end, I got so much more than I was looking for.
This year, I've found myself. I've dropped my shyness and let my real self come out. I've learned to let go of things that harmed me, but to appreciate even more the ones who stuck with me. I've learned to love. I've learned that I cannot have everything, but that I have to make the best of what I have... which is a lot. I've discovered that my place might be in Spain. Could it be true that after 8 years of wondering, I'll finally be arriving home? We'll see. I've found out that there's more to life than spending it in front of the computer. I've discovered that regrets hurt more than remorses... sometimes. I've learned how to laugh at a bad photo of myself. Thank God for that, cause there are so many of them! I've learned about self-control... about elegance. I've learned that I am still allowed to behave like a child whenever I want to... because I don't have to ask for permission. I've learned that the grass is not greener on the other side. I've learned that I'm one of the luckiest people alive. I've learned that happiness does exist. I've learned that no words could ever describe what I've learned this year.
Thank you.

Copilul femeie sau femeia copil

Ma intreb uneori daca exista o anumita varsta la care ajungi sa te simti femeie. Sau care e doza ideala de copilarie pe care s-o porti mereu in suflet. Ma aflu intr-o peioada destul de incerta pentru mine: teoretic, nu mai sunt un copil, dar nici femeie nu ma pot numi. Sa fie ceva in neregula cu mine? Peste tot pe unde m-am aflat in compania altor tineri mi s-a spus "nebuna". Se refereau la moacele mele ciudate si uneori amuzante, la glumele pe care le faceam, la bucuria pe care o manifestam fata de cele mai simple lucruri, la usurinta cu care dadeam in mintea copiilor. Ma simt de multe ori ca un copil, si nu neaparat in sens pozitiv. Si totusi, ma confrunt cu probleme care n-au nimic de-a face cu povestile cu zane si printisori. Uneori ma simt imbatranita, obosita, dar asta se intampla mai rar de cand m-am intors din Spania. Din cand in cand simt nevoia unui compliment care sa nu contina nuante infantile; acum le obtin pe strada, dar eu as avea nevoie sa vina din alte parti. Eu sunt cea care danseaza in timpul cursurilor, care face glume cu toata lumea, care vorbeste cu voce de copil, care incee sa topaie pe strada fara vreun motiv aparent... dar tot eu sunt cea care petrece cate o ora, doua, aranjandu-si parul, punandu-si machiaj, cea care poarta tocuri si uneori se imbraca elegant, cea care intra in magazine in cautare de noi haine... Uneori as vrea doar sa mi se recunoasca si accepte ambele fatete.

Spania - Eu

- am mers in Pamplona si am alergat pe strazile pe care se da drumul taurilor in ziua Sfantului Fermin, pe 7 iulie; voi reveni in acea zi, mai ales deoarece cochetez cu ideea de-a intra in cursa, in ciuda incercarilor celorlalti de-a ma face sa ma razgandesc;
- am vizitat Valencia in timpul sarbatorilor numite "las fallas", cand statuete de carton colorat, ce apoi sunt arse, impodobesc strazile orasului;
- am primit in dar putina culoare pe plaja din Alicante; m-am "balacit" intr-o zi de martie si am privit soarele printre frunzele palmierilor;
- am intalnit 3 persoane pe care le cautam de multa vreme, iar pe-o a patra am reintalnit-o dupa o lunga despartire... cate vieti sa fi durat?
- intr-o luna am invatat despre istoria si cultura Spaniei mai mult decat in 15 ani;
- am descoperit ca, oricat de bolnav ai fi, fericirea de-a-ti petrece timpul cu prieteni iti da putere si te face sa uiti de orice nemultumire, chiar daca numai pana cand ajungi in camera ta; de aceea e recomandabil sa stai cat mai departe de pat, de "casa" :P;
- am primit porecla de "Super Miri", pentru ca nu dorm aproape deloc, nu mananc foarte mult, am cele mai multe cursuri, si totusi mereu sunt vesela si nu lipsesc de la nicio intalnire, de orice fel ar fi ea;
- am invatat sa nu-mi pese; fac ceea ce este bine pentru mine fara a rani pe nimeni, dar si fara a fi ranita la randu-mi; nu ma mai chinui sa invat limbajul celorlalti... dar le ofer totul celor care vorbesc limba mea;
- am aflat ca un cuvant nu are importanta; nu gandim/ simtim prin reguli de ortografie sau de gramatica; ne cramponam in a urma niste rigori impuse de catre cineva necunoscut, ignorand ceea ce se afla in noi;
- mai sunt 3 luni si 2 saptamani; imi este teama de final, si de aceea aceasta este singura data cand imi permit sa-l mentionez.
- au mai ramas 3 luni

Awake

I got two wake-up calls today. What else could I need to actually wake up? Nothing more. Thank you.

Blah - Blah

I'm about to finish a bottle of Peach Schnapps (I didn't drink it all today, ok? Only 3/4 :)) - I can feel Arhi coming and saying that "any woman who admits she... 's "dizzy" deserves to be respected" :D ). I didn't get "dizzy" too many times in my life... I think it was only twice before; and I didn't like it, but it feels good now. Drinking Peach Schnapps and listening to Savatage, with "Believe"... what better time for memories, yet again? This is soapy, as in soap opera, so... stay away.
I was 16. I wasn't too busy, school was not that difficult, so what did I tell myself? "Maybe it's time for you to fall in love". Since there wasn't anything better to do, I said: "what the heck? Let's go for it!" So one day, doesn't matter which one, I sent my friend (who was also his - hey, I knew what I was doing! lol) with some poem written on a card and a bear with some pen full of lovey-dovey hearts (and it took me a while to find those, mind you... please do appreciate the effort) - I don't know if it's the Peach Schnapps or the hearty-thingy, but I have a strange feeling coming from my stomach :) . I had picked the name of the person from a hat... couldn't make up my mind, I just knew I had to get an occupation :P . He seemed impressed by the card and the amaaazing poem (please excuse me for calling that thing "a poem")... even a few months after, he still seemed touched by it. "Mirela, you just hit the jackpot! He liked the thingies, he'll like you too". Of course... just go ahead and tell him, it's the best thing you could do. My sarcasm tells me to add a "NOT" right now, but I won't... I'd be a hypocrite. It wasn't the best thing, but it was what I did... I wouldn't do it again... back then, I mean. 'Cause we never learn, do we? So I did. And then I played cat and mouse for about two years and a half. And I waited... my head was telling me that this wasn't going anywhere, that I just needed to be there to feed the ego, but my heart answered to every little "sign" (it's official, I was insane!) I'd get; if I tripped on the corner of the sofa, I'd count the number of dust bunnies I'd find under it and reach the conclusion that he cared about me (joking, I wasn't THAT crazy). And it lasted, as I said, for two years and a half and then a bit more and then... finaaally, it was over. If anybody needs to learn how something can be over before ever existing... "sorry", I'm not willing to teach that lesson. Sarcasm and all aside, it was a certain period of my life. I know I don't regret it... it helped me become who I am (hmmm... is that good or bad? :))) ). And I think I wasn't wrong... back then, that is.
I don't know anything for sure. I really don't. I just have opinions... I need to have something, don't I? Sometimes I say what I think without being asked, but most of the time I wait until I think my opinion is required. I can express it mildly or straight forward, according to the circumstances. But I never believe I have to be right. Many, many times I'd like to be proven wrong... and I am... sometimes. I usually filter my opinions through my personal experiences, whichever they might be... I guess other people do that too, don't they? Lol. Because I do learn, the fundamental "rules", at least. I don't compare situations entirely; I try to pick what bears some resemblance to other elements, that's all. Sometimes an opinion that we find annoying can make us see something we've been trying to ignore... or not.
And my blah-blah is over for tonight. No more Peach Schnapps left :))).

Retrospective... Towards the Future

I don't feel Christmas is coming. In the past years I'd be counting the months since September and the days since the 1st of December. Not now. I have to make myself get into the Christmas spirit. I find myself counting days for my friends and realizing, with their help, that there are only 12, not to say 11, days left. As I was saying before, I have to make it happen, if it won't come on it's own. I'm going to buy the Christmas tree this Saturday, for example. I'm also going to order the... cake that same day (I will never prepare that... how do you say "cozonac" in English :P ? ). Right now I'm going to attempt a retrospective of the past year... it has to be past, what else could happen in 17 days?
I began 2006 by dancing and enjoying myself... thought it would be a great year. At 12 o'clock, actually, we took part in a religious ceremony inside the church. Again, I thought this would make the new year special. The first days of January I lost "something". The next month, Ana told me that she wanted to go to Spain for a semester and almost forced me to come with her to enquire about the chances we had... it suddenly had become "we". I applied. I got accepted by Concordia after 5 days (they were trying to make up for... hehehe!). Oh, how could I forget? On the 30th of January I joined my first forum ever... Undernet Constanta; it was as close to home as I could get. I had to mention this, it occupied so much of my time :) ! March, April... school and forum (I'm freaking out as I'm writing... this year was baaad :))! Who made it that way? Not me, of course, of course :D ). In May I rediscovered the meaning of the word "friendship". On June 16 I received an e-mail from La Rioja University, saying that I had been accepted to study there for one semester. It's very possible that these two months were the highlight of the year. I had a lazy summer; again, school, forum, a bit of work, some outings... the end of the summer was the begining of now. I had to make a few choices... don't we always have to? The last months I tried to study; neah, I'm lying, I really didn't; I just got by. It was all for Spain, hadn't I taken at least 12 credits this semester, I couldn't have gone. Well, I took 15, since I'm so tough... lol. I just want to graduate as soon as possible, that's why I'm taking this course load. And it was fine, except for this semester. Hey, it's going to be better next time! I also worked as a Spanish Teaching Assistant, which meant a lot to me. Oh, yeah, the lab monitor thing, as well... lol. November... I have no idea what kind of month that was. Sometimes I think it was a malefic one, other times I say that it was a month of liberation. How can something present so many questions and problems and yet stay so strong? And then December hit... I lost again. So... I began and ended 2006 by losing almost the same "thing". At least no one can accuse me of being inconsistent.
But... it's over and done with. 2007 is on its way. Surprise! No resolutions this time. No losing weight, no quitting smoking or becoming a better person blahs. Nope... they never seem to work. I'll just take everything as it comes... or I won't; I still have this option, most of the time. This year might've been a bad one, but it changed me, maybe more than I would've wanted. I don't know anything about 2007... not even Spain is a certain thing, I don't have my visa yet. Nothing is for sure... almost nothing, ok. Change is omnipresent, that's for sure. And belief... optimism... no one can take that away from you, except for yourself.
It won't be better. It won't be worse. It will be what we let it be. It will be a good year. For everyone. This is not a wish I'm making... I just know it... I have to know it.

N-am chef sa dau un titlu

De multe ori am spus ca ma bucur pentru faptul ca am inceput acest blog, aducand diverse motive, mai mult sau mai putin relevante. Inainte sau dupa ce am facut aceasta afirmatie m-am lansat intr-o tirada inutila, intesata de elemente total neinteresante din viata mea. Am vorbit fie despre o excursie in care am plecat intr-un weekend, fie despre ce spune un test neinsemnat despre personalitatea mea. In cateva posturi mi-am descoperit gandurile, simtind apoi ca prin acest pas riscant nu am facut decat sa permit moliilor banalului sa-si croiasca drum prin peticele fiintei mele.
Acum imi dau seama cat de tare m-am inselat - in acest moment o multitudine de ganduri si sentimente contradictorii imi strabate fibrele, astfel incat ma vad nevoita sa construiesc acest post in stilul care m-a consacrat... o pura transcriere lipsita de coerenta a ceea ce se petrece acolo, undeva. Nu am inteles ca eu nu am nevoie de un blog. Da, am nevoie sa ascult, am nevoie sa vorbesc, am nevoie de un loc in care sa ma pot retrage pentru... da, pentru a fuma o tigara atunci cand piticii de pe creier isi cer doza de nicotina (fapt divers - Florin Chilian are un cantec, "Zece", la care am ajuns sa tin foarte mult... ciudata exprimare referitoare la un cantec... de fiecare data cand aud versul "Si piticii din poveste" ma gandesc la piticii de pe creier), am nevoie de aer pentru a respira... suna banal, dar am descoperit ca ma descurc foarte bine in lipsa altor elemente ce-ar putea parea esentiale, cum ar fi mancarea si somnul... am nevoie de vesti bune, am nevoie de muzica, am nevoie de cartela de metrou, am nevoie de pixuri... dar nu am nevoie de un blog. Daca vreau sa comunic ceva cuiva, o pot face prin diferite mijloace... exista iesiri, exista mess, exista telefon... nu am nevoie de un blog public pentru a inventaria nimicurile din viata mea. Ceea ce este foarte important nu poate fi scris, din principiu, intr-un blog... nu vrem s-o dam in patetisme, in fraze alunecoase, in confesiuni... fata de cine si de ce? Am observat la mine tendinta de-a scrie cateva randuri aici de fiecare data cand sunt bucuroasa de ceva, cand ceva ma impresioneaza, cand sunt trista (dezvaluirea zilei... I'm human), cand langa mine nu exista cineva dispus sa ma asculte sau cand ma confrunt c-o problema despre care vreau si nu vreau sa vorbesc. OK, pentru toate aceste stari exista cel putin o alta solutie: daca sunt atat de bucuroasa, pot astepta pana ajung langa cineva care chiar este interesat si ii pot spune direct despre ce e vorba; asta se aplica si momentelor in care ma impresioneaza curcubeul format deasupra unei cascade; daca nu e nimeni in jurul meu care m-ar putea asculta... so what? Maturitatea se obtine si prin inghitituri in sec, astfel ca ar trebui sa fiu capabila sa-mi fac singura ordine in idei, fara a topai ca o vrabie speriata in cautarea unui refugiu. Problema despre care nu sunt dispusa sa vorbesc? Atunci ce naiba caut pe un blog public? Si-asa ma voi opri la timp si voi incepe sa insir aberatii pentru a mima exteriorizarea de care am nevoie. Cum ar fi posibil sa transform acest blog intr-un esafod al lasitatii mele, al incapacitatii de-a refula gandurile ce ma nelinistesc? Just deal with it! (si-aici apare dracusorul care intreaba "cum?"... well, what can I say... 25 de ani, om, una, alta... ai o problema daca nu stii cum).
Si mi-am pierdut sirul gandurilor... doar pentru ca, evident... si aici poate ar trebui sa scriu ceva, dar iar nu mai stiu ce... autocontrolul isi intra in rol, in sfarsit! Gata, stiu.. daca scriu aici nu inseamna ca mamaita se va simti mai bine, ca imi voi redacta eseul in franceza cu mai multa usurinta, ca voi descoperi vreo solutie pe care sunt incapabila s-o identific sau ca intamplarile cotidiene vor capata relevanta... exemple...
Concluzie: nu am nevoie de un blog.
Asta nu inseamna ca nu exista posibilitatea de-a reveni peste cateva zile si de-a o lua de la capat... din nou, I'm human.
Si tot n-am scris despre raidurile din Statele Unite...